Published
December 24, 2024
Parenting with Empathy and Love: Education Beyond Competition & Rote Learning
Figure 1: Importance of nurturing love and empathy in children’s development: Children are living beings – more living than grown-up people who have built shells of habit around themselves. Therefore it is absolutely necessary for their mental health and development that they should not have mere schools for their lessons, but a world whose guiding spirit is personal love. –Rabindranath Tagore
Introduction: Are We Raising Fragile Royalty?
Amid the glow of modern parenting, many parents find themselves walking a tightrope. Our desire to give our children the best of everything- gadgets, toys, and luxuries from a very early age we may be unintentionally exposing our kid to an overly entitled world. Along with that our over emphasis on comparison, competition and self-centered behavior is pushing our children to chronic stress, diminished empathy, depressed & lonely society. The other day, a shiny sedan parked on the roadside, caught my attention. Its window bore the sticker: “Prince on Board.” Amused, I smiled, “Where is the king?” This label, though innocent, mirrors a larger societal trend—treating children like royalty while ignoring their need for resilience and self-reliance. [If you have not read my earlier blog on parenting, do read it “Middle-class parenting dilemma: What should we learn and what should we unlearn”]
Figure 2: If we are treating our kids as a princess, we need to ask ourselves, if we are the king?
Our dominant behaviour is exposed in our overreaction to minor complaints often sets a precedent of hypersensitivity, which may hinder children’s ability to navigate challenges independently! Hindsight, we are almost ignorant of our insensitive behaviour to our kid. We also never think twice how this protectionism would work out when our kid is in college, or more precisely in their professional life. We don’t really realise that we often overdo things from the feeling of guilt but assume that as love! So, we need to ponder on if we are truly preparing them for the challenges of life, or are we setting them up for entitlement and stress?
“#Parenting What children need is love and what they mostly get is praise. (From a discussion about Cognitive Analytic Therapy with @dr_nehete). Source: X, "link" by [Dr. Bhooshan Shukla (@docbhooshan)], Published on [8:51 AM · Jun 13, 2024 IST]
Nurturing Emotionally Intelligent & Healthy Children: Explore Parenting in terms of Material possessions v/s Love
Let’s revisit Tagore’s insightful quote and overlay it with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We’ll uncover a stark reality: we often prioritize material possessions over emotional well-being in our children’s lives. While basic needs like food and shelter are essential, higher-level needs for love, belonging, esteem & self-actualisation are often overlooked:
Figure 3: Maslow’s Pyramid, or hierarchy of needs, illustrates human motivation as a journey from fulfilling basic necessities like food and safety to achieving deeper needs such as love, esteem, and self-actualization.
In its vision for transforming India into a developed nation, the, Economic Survey 2024 emphasizes that: “For India’s working-age population to be gainfully employed, they need skills and good health. Social media, screen time, sedentary habits, and unhealthy food are a lethal mix that can undermine public health and productivity and diminish India’s economic potential.” The report further underscores that: “..this country needs to become a developed nation.. the public to take responsibility for their finances and their physical and mental health.”
According to the Indian Council for Medical Research (ICMR), its latest Dietary Guidelines for Indians (April 2024) revealed that 56.4% of India’s total disease burden is linked to unhealthy diets. The report highlights alarming trends of consumption of highly processed foods rich in sugar and fat, reduced physical activity and limited access to diverse, nutrient-rich foods contribute to micronutrient deficiencies and a concerning rise in childhood obesity.. Disturbingly, India now ranks among the top three nations globally for the fastest annual rise in childhood obesity, according to the World Obesity Federation.
Figure 4: Source: X, “link” by [ Dr. Bhooshan Shukla (@docbhooshan)], Published on [12:15 PM Mar 3, 2014 IST]
Instead of focusing on costly gifts or indulging in outside food, let’s prioritize offering personal engagements, physical activities, and wholesome, home-cooked meals. These small yet meaningful changes can significantly shape our children’s future health and happiness! Sadly the most talked topics in social circle are about academics, real estate, finances/investment, salary and career growth or movies:
Figure 5: Source: Timesofindia, “Hope CEO story changes. Want to show that working moms can rise to the top: Radhika Gupta” by [Neha Bhayana / TNN], Published on [June 22, 2024 IST]
Parenting prioritization of material and academic achievements often escalates into relentless competition, overshadowing the essence of true learning.
The Academic Rat Race: How Parenting Pressure for Over-Competition Harms Children?
Then hall way conversations rotates around some random kid’s ability in cracking JEE/NEET through certain coaching factory schools! We start pushing our kids to replicate the same. Because in our society, winner gets it all! So, in housing societies, respects and adulation are meted to only the kids who cleared IIT/NEET! Sad, but true!
Earlier coaching for competitive examinations like, JEE/NEET used to start when kids finished their 10th/11th std in some specific coaching centers (not in schools). But with our greed & rush for success, we are now sending children to coaching factory schools as early as 4th/6th std. These factories prepare few bright students (who are already conditioned & scoring very high- 96%-99%) to crack world’s toughest exams (JEE/NEET). We along with such factories making a different meaning of the word, “Education”! In the process we are creating a superimposed version of ourselves, stressfully busy in the showcasing our achievements to others, leaving us with very few friends, relatives (hopefully we understand that flattery is not friendship)! Unfortunately, our generation of parents may inadvertently be contributing to a rise in unhappy, bored, and lonely children due to societal pressures and misplaced priorities! Hopefully we agree that goodness cannot be created with such narrow view of the world and as a parents we need to calm down to even introspect!
But, going a step further we hear parents boasting about how we need to control our kids, be watchful about their activities and how various coaching centers are helping parents in this aspects! Such surveillance risks undermining trust, independence, and personal growth, which are vital for a healthy parent-child relationship! And this relentless focus on cracking such exam leaves many children with shattered confidence, mental health struggles:
“It’s as if the children are just landing up in the city and dying,” said Dr Vinod Dariya, professor, psychiatry department, Kota Medical College. Source: theprint, "Police, politicians, parents, psychiatrists—everyone’s at work to stop the next Kota suicide" by [Jyoti Yadav], Published on [12 September, 2023 12:30 pm IST]
“Earlier, we were helping those who screamed for help. Now, we have to find them and help them,” — Om Prakash Bunkar, Kota district magistrate. Source: theprint, "Police, politicians, parents, psychiatrists—everyone’s at work to stop the next Kota suicide" by [Jyoti Yadav], Published on [12 September, 2023 12:30 pm IST]
These hurry for success is not limited to academics alone! A music teacher remarked, ‘Parents often expect their children to master singing within a week. This unrealistic pressure can hinder the joy of learning.’ I myself had seen how a parent was furiously arguing with my guitar teacher on why his kid was not able to play songs in guitar even after several weeks have passed! My teacher just shunted the arrogant parent and reminded him that the parent lacked basic knowledge on guitar teaching and it take 6-8 months to just be comfortable in handling guitar. Instead of nurturing and inspiring children, we try to mold them according to our own limited imagination, like a potter shaping clay. This obsession with success redefines education into a process of rote learning, stripping away creativity and individuality.
Real Education & Parenting: Why Life Skills Matter More Than Rote Learning
For years, these children dedicate their life in memorizing formulas, mastering rote-learning techniques, and enduring relentless schedules and in the whole process, we take away the most precious thing from our kid and that is freedom: freedom to be, freedom to think, freedom to explore and express:
“Academic excellence is absolutely necessary, but a school includes much more than that. It is a place where both the teacher and the taught explore not only the outer world, the world of knowledge, but also their own thinking, their own behavior. From this they begin to discover their own conditioning and how it distorts their thinking… Freedom from conditioning and its misery begins with this awareness. It is only in such freedom that true learning can take place…” -J Krishnamurti, on The Intent of the School at Ojai, 1984
Education should go beyond just textbooks and exams. Parenting should embrace vocational training and creative pursuits as essential components of learning. Skills like pottery, plumbing, carpentry, and painting offer practical knowledge while instilling a sense of accomplishment and self-reliance. Likewise, emphasizing sports and creative arts in schools helps build teamwork, resilience, and innovation—qualities that are crucial for leading a well-rounded and meaningful life. By promoting these activities, we empower children to discover their passions, develop a wide range of abilities, and build confidence that goes beyond academic success. These factories lacks priorities to inculcate essential life skills, like, Creativity, Critical Thinking, Interpersonal skills, and Resilience, and encourage the kids for diverse career paths beyond societal expectations:
Figure 6: The need for critical thinking and innovation in modern education systems: Source: Timesofindia, “Why critical thinking is key for engineers in this age of AI” by [Akhil George & Shilpa Phadnis / TNN], Published on [Jul 19, 2024, 07:03 IST]
Parenting for the Future: Building Resilience and Happy Kids
We need to prepare our kids not for a India that was 20 year back but for a India that would be 20 years afterwards; A India which is targeting to be the 3rd largest economy of the world by 2033 and a developed nation by 2047. So, let’s move beyond overindulgence, comparison, and academic obsession to raise children who are curious thinkers, compassionate, hardworking, healthy individuals, and resilient problem-solvers– equipped not just to excel, but to navigate life with empathy, creativity, and purpose! In doing so, we can help them not only achieve success but also find purpose and joy in life:
“Let us not deceive ourselves that this conditioning is going to make for intelligence and happiness. If we remain fearful, devoid of affection, hopelessly apathetic, it means that we are really not interested in encouraging the individual to flower greatly in love and goodness, but prefer that he carry on the miseries with which we have burdened ourselves and of which he also is a part” -J Krishnamurti
In conclusion, parenting and education must evolve to prioritize emotional well-being, creativity, and resilience over rote achievement. By nurturing individuality and fostering real-world skills, we can empower children to navigate the future with confidence and purpose.
References and acknowledgements:
On Education – by J Krishnamurti
Education And The Significance Of Life- by J Krishnamurti
Meditation- by KFI
Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind- by Yuval Noah Harari
Education- by Swami Vivekananda
The History of Education in Modern India(1775-2007)- by Suresh Chandra Ghosh
Sri Aurobindo and The Mother on Education
Why I Failed- by Sweta Punj
INDIA What can it teach us? By Friedrich Max Müller
https://twitter.com/docbhooshan/status/1764180302254293175
https://twitter.com/docbhooshan/status/1801092590714138846
https://twitter.com/maheshperi/status/1598299446827442178?s=20&t=hnM2EpHxWon-ZZGJZL0n4Q
https://twitter.com/TheVikasKhanna/status/1866880335369408660
https://www.indiabudget.gov.in/economicsurvey
https://www.laphamsquarterly.org/education/return-earth
What is true talent? – an apt analysis by Rahul Dravid https://x.com/hvgoenka/status/1866059471018930296
Harsha Bhogle on Why Success is not about Talent & Why Vinod Kambli Failed
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbd12wMILJw https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/toi-plus/education/crime-crisis-in-education/articleshow/112999472.cms
https://www.livemint.com/news/india/iit-placements-when-hard-work-doesn-t-pay-11674583123259.html
“Go ask your mother who your father is.” Why did FIITJEE chairman DK Goel react this way during a meeting? https://x.com/BrutIndia/status/1866860505303794011
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